Dear Pine Bush parents and staff,

On Sundays I have been reviewing the work of author David Rock, who identified five arenas of social needs in the brain that align with the acronym SCARF. When you find yourself (or you notice others) blowing up, wanting to be left alone or being frozen with indecision, it may because you (or they) are experiencing the fight, flight or freeze response that occurs when we feel threatened. And when one or more of these five needs will go unmet, we very well may feel just – threatened, because they are that important to our survival.

Today’s attribute is the “R” in SCARF, which stands for Relatedness.

The need for connection is at the very core of our DNA and is fueled by mirror neurons which support our capacity for empathy. When we are relating with others in positive ways oxytocin is released, which gives us a feeling of well -being. But when we are void of relationships or when our relationships turn negative, we feel threatened and cortisol is released, decreasing our cognitive capacities. Many of our usual relationships have been reconfigured in this time of separation. Similarly, being with family members all the time can also reconfigure a relationship. You may find yourself craving human touch when the wonders of Facetime and Google Hangouts fail to satisfy your most basic need for relatedness. Or you may find that being with your family too much has pushed otherwise positive relationships into negative territory.

 

If any of that has happened to you or to someone you know, here are some helpful questions to consider:

1.      Who do you need to be for others right now?

a.      Are there ways that you can provide the positive fuel that others in your life might need from you during this time?

2.      What are some areas where you might need to reach out to others for support?

a.      If you are feeling isolated, alone, or unheard how can you reach out in a way that changes that dynamic?

3.      How might this time create an opportunity for you to refuel relationships that have sustained you in the past?

a.      If you’ve run out of patience with your siblings, for example, is there a cousin or special uncle you can reach out to instead?

 

Our current closure will last at least until May 15, and it could go well beyond that date. Through these many days of social distancing, let’s all take some extra steps to be sure that we have and are providing to others the very important sense of connection and relatedness so important to our survival. 

 

Tim O. Mains, Pine Bush Superintendent